I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
