im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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