It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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