I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
