All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
