Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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