So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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