I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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