we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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