I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
