you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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