I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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