What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
