Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
