let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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