She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
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I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
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And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.