My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
