I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
MIDGETS
????
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
