Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Oh god it's open bar.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
