Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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