it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
