Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
