She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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