They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
