Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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