The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
