I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
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