Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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