I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
