i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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