things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
