whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
