Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
