So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
