Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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