I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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