youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
