Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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