3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
