i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
