Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
