My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
