it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
