I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
