So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
