My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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