Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
