She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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