She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I need a beard to bite.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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