do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
