Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
is wine microwaveable?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
