It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I smell stomach acid.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Randomize
