i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
