I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
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If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
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Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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