I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He has the fingertips of a God
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