i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
