I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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