between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
