So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
