i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
