I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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