My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
