Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
