She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
