FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
