he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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