I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Randomize
