i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
