the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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