Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
